Deity in Training
Prompt: “Okay. That’s the third apocalypse this month! We need to talk about your technique.”
Entry: We all have to start somewhere. No one is perfect, not even God. Well, your God. Well.. any God for that matter. They all began as confused, bumbling fools long before they had the omnipotent thing down. And they figured it out, clearly, if you’ve heard of them. They aren’t given a planet to lead if they stay in their awkward phase. Some of them are so good that their followers spread to other planets. Obviously this stirs up trouble but that’s a topic for another day.
Today we focus on Gir.
*Light shines on Gir*
*Angelic choirs sing behind him*
*He sneezes and the moment is over*
_____________
“Gir, tell me what your plan was at the onset.” A bored sounding voice booms from the darkness.
Gir, in his spotlight, quails and seems to shrink into himself.
“Well, uh, sir, I had all the basics covered. You know, water, language, currency, 5 basic rules…”
“Do you know, Gir, where your problem lies right from the start?”
“Yes sir, I knew 5 rules wouldn’t be eno-”
“FOOL,” the voice rang out clearly and Gir tried to shrink into nothingness.
“FOOD, GIR. FOOD. HOW WILL YOUR PEOPLE SERVE YOU IF THEY CANNOT FIND FOOD.”
“Yes, well, ehrm, that does explain the salivating bit. I’d never seen that before…”
“We haven’t either.” the voice sounded tired, embodying the drying of an endless well of patience. “Okay. Well. That’s the third apocalypse this month. We need to talk about your technique.”
“Sir?” Gir was unsteady on his feet. “Do you possibly mean…”
“Yes Gir, I do,” the voice sighed, sounding in need of an aspirin.
“…from the beginning…” Gir was numb. Disbelief etched in his face and shoulders.
“Again,” came the reply.
A flash of light blinded Gir and he staggered back...
_____________
…into his desk chair.
“Garrett did you sign the birthday card for Janet yet?” A woman leaned over his cubicle wall, holding out a card with a sad looking dog in a party hat. Her office badge said Cindy Lafayette.
“Uhm. No, I don’t believe I have. Garrett did you say?”
“…Yes…? Everything alright with you? You seem… not yourself today.” Concern showed in her eyes.
Aww she likes him, Gir thought. “Yes, sorry Cindy, I’m fine. I’ll sign this and get it right back to you.”
“Uhh, great…” Cindy looked confused. At Gir’s encouraging smile and nod she slid slowly back down into her own cubicle, maintaining eye contact the entire time.
Right. Well. Better make sense of it while I’m alone. Gir took stock of his situation. He was human, presumably on Earth then. That would make this Yoshua’s domain. But this is a complicated one! Gir suddenly remembered that there are least three other followings spreading to Earth. For the love of me. How am I supposed to make sense of anything here?
“Remember your trainings, remember your trial runs, learn from the best there is. Four followings exist on this planet. Draw inspiration from any one of them. You need to get it right next time.”
This message had popped up in an email on his desktop, but somehow it still rang with intensity and he swore the bottle of water on his desk shuddered.
Okay. You can do this. Fourth time’s a charm. Remember your trainings. What were the key elements to that? Oh yes. Life. Alright. Life needs water… other life for socializing… shelter…? What else. Come on Gir you know this. Something is definitely missin-
“FOOD” the voice boomed through the office and everyone startled upright in their cubicles. Cindy let out a shriek before a bright light blinded the office and everything returned to normal. The office hum returned.
“Ehrm. Right. Uh, food. Of course.” Gir smoothed his hair.
Okay, now what’s next? Rules. Yoshua had his commandments. Muhammed his pillars. Me, it is so hard to come up with anything original these days. Early bird gets the worm I s’pose. Gir felt the bitterness rise in his throat and pushed it down. Can’t have another episode, now can we, he chided himself. Right. Rules. Uhh…
“Uh Garrett? The card?”
